What Is Normal Anyway?
By Judy Bruner

To parents who have not lost a child, normal is waking up in the morning without that sick feeling in the pit of your stomach because you suddenly remember that your child will not be here with you to share this day. There will not be a child to pick up from school, or take to a dance lesson, or watch play a ball game, or call up on the phone to just say hi.

Normal is going to work knowing that your family is safe and will all be there when you get home. We don't have that priviledge anymore because we know that someone will be missing when we get there. A chair will be empty. There will be one less dish to wash, one less bed to make, one less person who says "I love you Mom". This is not normal for most people, but it is normal now for us. Whether we like it or not.

I think it was my "Angel Mom" Susan who told me once that when our child dies, it's up to us to find a new kind of normal. Nothing is as it was, and it will never be again. Our child is gone from this earth, from life as we know it, and will not be coming back. That realization is possibly the most painful of all, and it is also the most difficult to face.

So when you say "that some days you can talk about what happened to your child and be okay", this is the beginning of your healing. This is progress, a baby step on a very long journey, one in which there is no end.

You will have days when you can talk about your child, what happened to your child, how much you miss them now, and you will be okay. You'll breathe a sigh of relief because it wasn't as hard that time to tell as you expected it would be.

You will be able to talk about the way life was "before" and laugh about happy times and the memories you shared and not shed a tear.........but on other days all these same things will hit you like a brick wall and you will feel like it has all happened all over again, and the tears will start.

This is all a part of the healing process as well. Even when it hurts we are helping ourselves to face the pain. The pain will not go away if we run from it, or pretend it's not there, or use other means to cover it up. The pain will only ease when we let ourselves go thru it, live it, feel it, and let the tears flow.

So, are you normal? Yes you are. You are a normal mother who is greiving for her child.

2003 - Judy Bruner