Welcome To My Daughter, Ashleigh's Website
March 25, 2010

I created these pages with the help of my surviving daughter, Sarah, because I was desperately searching for answers. What I found was some comfort for my own broken heart, and a lot of dear friends along the way.

Thank you Sarah for your love, for your help, and for your constant support and patience! I could not have survived or traveled this far on this journey without you in my life.

You are my lifeline!
Love you so much!

I have two daughters, Sarah and Ashleigh. I love them both very, very much. Sarah is here with me in this world. I can see her, talk to her on the phone, share recipes and secrets, and play with her precious sons, Cole and Caden and her beautiful 1 year old daughter, Kinsey.

Ashleigh is in my heart and in my memories, and she lives in heaven. I can't see her, reach out to touch her, or call her up on the phone to see how her day has been. I am a mother who never dreamed that this would ever be the way my life would turn out. As horrible as you can imagine that it might be to lose a child, when it does happen you end up wishing it were that easy.

When Ashleigh died I thought I would die too, or at least I wanted to. I felt like I was being punished for something. Maybe if I'd been a better mother or a better person, she would have been spared. At first the shock was so intense that I actually felt like she was missing, had been kidnapped, or was lost somewhere. I felt it was up to me alone to find her, but no matter how hard I tried or how long I searched, I could not save her or find a way to bring her back. The longer she was gone, the more desolate I felt. I was completely overcome by my grief. I could not even function, could not get out of the bed in the morning, could not go to work, could not even comfort my surviving child. It was just too much to bear.

I just could not understand how Ashleigh's life could be over. She was so young, she had so much more to give, and I could not accept it. I thought that if I accepted her death then that would mean that it was okay with me that she was gone. I felt that if I began to live again, if I had a good day, or even if I laughed out loud, then I was somehow betraying her, and that was killing me. That was when I became very, very angry. Angry at myself for not knowing or doing something for her sooner. Angry at the doctors for not being able to save her life. Angry at anyone and everyone who was not suffering as terribly as I was. And mostly angry at God for allowing it to happen at all. The angrier I became the more guilty I felt. The anger, the guilt, and the overwhelming sadness consumed me until I was lost in it.

Then one day when I could not go on another moment I went to her grave, and I prayed for the first time in a long while. I realized that I would never understand, and I didn't have to like it that she was gone; it was not up to me to decide. It was not my choice to make. I had to let it all go if I was ever going to be able to live through it and survive. It didn't happen overnight, and I still have a long way to go, but it was a beginning.

I miss Ashleigh every day. I think of her every morning when I awake and I dream of her every night. It's now been twelve years and I have come a long way. I have learned that even though you may love somebody with all your heart, sometimes they have to leave you, and you have no choice but to let them go. I have learned that even when something hurts you so much that you think it will kill you, somehow you still find the strength to go on.

I am sorry for all those parents who also live with this loss, and I feel your pain. I understand what you are going through, perhaps more than most. Please visit the rest of our pages here and stay as long as you need to.

I have started a support group of my own for grieving parents. If you would like to visit my Child Loss for Parents Support Group Webpage
Just Click Here

I found that when I was ready to reach out beyond my own pain and help someone else it was then that I began to find some healing in my own life.

May peace be with you.

December 29, 2008

~ I lost my child today ~

I lost my child today
People came to weep and cry
As I just sat and stared, dry eyed.
They struggled to find words to say,
To try and make the pain go away,
I walked the floor in disbelief
I lost my child today

I lost my child last month
Most of the people went away,
Some still call and some still stay.
I wait to wake up from the dream.
This can't be real. I want to scream.
Yet everything is locked inside,
God, help me, I want to die.
I lost my child last month

I lost my child last year
Now people who had came, have gone,
I sit and struggle all day long,
To bear the pain so deep inside.
And now my friends just question, "Why?"
Why does this mother not move on?
Just sits and sings the same old song.
Good heavens, it has been so long.
I lost my child last year

Time has not moved on for me.
The numbness it has disappeared.
My eyes have now cried many tears.
I see the look upon your face,
"She must move on and leave this place."
Yet I am trapped right here in time.
The song's the same, as is the rhyme,
I lost my child....Today.
Netta Wilson-1996

If you have a website and would like to help others
find our online support group, feel free to save the
banner below to your computer, and just link it back to:

You're Listening to: Angels Among Us by Alabama